I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
