they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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