my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
