I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
