alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
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