she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
