My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
When are your genitals available?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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