Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Randomize
