Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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