She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
