I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
