My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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