I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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