took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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