so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
