she woke up with a sticky ear
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Randomize
