I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think my moral compass just broke
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