some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
a search helicopter?!
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
