I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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