Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
