Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
