I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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