$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
