Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
