Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
