Pappa wants mamma naked
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
