I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
