Small penises have feelings too.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
