Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
