I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
