Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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