Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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