I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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