i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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