Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
