A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
