I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
