This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
