At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
