Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
