I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
