remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
