remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
