If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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