even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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