I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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