and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
