dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
