Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My cat gives me a boner
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
