if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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