I think I died a long time ago.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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