Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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