I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
