once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize