Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
