Umm I'm too high to move.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
