you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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