I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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