Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
