you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
