How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
