Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
