hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize