So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
