I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
