im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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