I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
