I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
